My feelings have switched

When I was restricting, the feeling of being full was dreadful and the feeling of being hungry was not exactly pleasant, but OK. Now as I'm in recovery, being hungry terrifies me and being full, or having food in my hands, makes me calm. Why this sudden change in my feelings? I'm so confused.

And talking about genetics - I don't understand this pleasant feeling that many experience when restricting, at least not the feeling of being energetic. I struggled to even walk when I was restricting the most. Does this mean that I'm not genetically disposed to having a RED, but managed to get one anyways? What would that imply? That I have chosen to get ill?

By the way, I'm eating 2500 kcal each day (struggling a bit mentally to go much over that) and I'm 170 cm tall and 25 years old. I've been doing that for 6 and a half weeks.

It is hard to say (at least based on this information) what is behind your ED. I personally think that not all ED sufferers have the genetic disposal for it, and all that have the disposal don't get ED. It is a mental illness, and even if someone "tries to get it", I think it is kinda sick in itself, so anyone who really wants to get ill with ED and ends up "getting" it, is not very healthy person to start with. Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming these people or anything. I just think there are differend ways to get to the point of having disordered eating. And even more reasons behind it.

Also, not feeling energetic is not a sign that you don't have the genetic disposal. I'm sure I have genetic disposal for this (finding out after I got ill that my close family members have gone through similar disordered eating and fitting to the description of the disposal very well otherwise). I very rarely felt energetic during my bad restriction, most of the time I was too exhausted to do anything at all, but I could still force myself to work and do other things I "had to" manage. I did get some moments or days of almost manic happiness and enough energy to share with a small town, but I always came crashing down from that state. Long term restriction made me feel numb, so all emotions, the good and the bad, were not so hard to go trough. In that way restriction did make me feel calm and in control -> good. Restriction (=not real) happiness is nothing compared to real happiness though!

That you for responding. I helps to know that others have experience the same symptoms as me as that suggests that the symptoms are general and due to the eating disorder and not due to me. It's really important not to identify yourself with the ED as it's like a parasite - it's not me.

But I'm still confused about my feelings and why I'm having so much trouble letting go of having a number to eat by (2500 kcal is a healtier number but it's still a number). Any suggestions to how I can get rid of this need for control?

I was the same! I felt so weak while I was restricting, I went straight to bed after I came home from school everyday!

I think the only way to overcome this fear is just do it! It will get easier time by time

Thanx for the support I'm doing a lot better than before on the control part, but I still have a way to go. I was counting calories during my restriction and I'm still counting (but now mostly to make sure that I eat enough). I'm trying to make an account of what I'm eating, rather than making a budget. That is, I'm trying to count most of the stuff after I eat them, rather than before, so my body can decide on how much I should eat and not my head. But it's hard, and I find myself making sort of a budget during the day. Any suggestions to how I can change this? I cannot eat according to calories for the rest of my life.

I understand what you mean. It is so sad that foods that once made you happy (or not emotional about it at all), are now seen as calories and control issues. I have the same problem, as calorie counting was a big part of my illness. It has gotten better though, and when I see that I have improved, I start to believe that I can take it even further.

Maybe it would help to do as Brie (if I remember correctly) and start counting "happy points" instead of calories :> Also, changing your view a bit; isn't it better to count things to be grateful for or things that make you happy? If you have to count something, that is…

This is one of those things where you just have to challenge yourself. If you have set yourself a limit of 2500, try eating 2700. Try eating one meal of the day intuitively and without restrictions; do not count, weigh or rate your food by calories. Just eat what you feel like, and eat until you are really satisfied. Afterwards you can count approximately how much it was and if it was a good recovery amount, try it again and move into having 2 intuitive meals a day and so on :>