I was bullied when i was just a little girl and even if it was a long time ago, the damage was already done. I also thought i was over that, but the truth is i never face it. I never wanted to admit to myself that it hurts me very badly. It was awful. I was coming home crying, hiding under my sheets hoping that it would just all go away. But it never did. Instead, it got worst and i never told anyone. I thought it was my fault, it must be because i wasnt normal. So when i went to high shcool, i tried to be as transparent as i could be. I wanted to disappear. I had suffered so much that I was trying to protect myself from others. I thought they would hurt me if i opened my heart to them, so i kept everything inside me. You cant hurt me if you dont know me. I didnt wanted to be vulnerable again. Over time i got frustrated, angry, sad and i felt extremly lonely even if i had great friends at school. I wasn't opening my heart to nobody, even when i was all alone in my room i was ashamed of my feelings. I felt like a failure. I guess i needed to take control over my life, since i couldnt control me being bullied, i had to control everything else. I take control over my feelings, and then over food. I cut down all the 'junk food', then sweets, then meat, then dairy, then even some veggies and fruits were banished. I was exercising more and more, even if i was exhausted. I lost more than 50 pounds, but i didnt care. I felt nothing. I had a boyfriend for over 4 years and i never loved him. It sounds so mean, but i couldnt face it, i couldnt admit to myself that i wasnt in love. I needed to feel safe, to feel that i mattered for someone. This summer was definitely the beginning of the end for me. I was barely eating 500 cals a day, i was working 40h/week and i was exercising quite a lot, every day. I knew i had a problem but i didnt care. I didnt wanted to face it, i didnt wanted to see a doctor because then i would have to face eveything i've been avoiding for so long. When i finally consulted a doctor, i couldn't even woke up from my bed. I felt so tired yet i couldn't sleep. The doctor told me i had to drop university, which i didnt wanted. I always tried to be perfect; perfect grades, 'perfect' body.. i felt like i had to be the better if i wanted to deserve to be loved. Long story short, i started recovery in september. It's been a little more than two months now, and yes it was and its still very very hard. I cried, i screamed, i was petrified, my anxiety was sky high pretty much all the time but i never gave up. Because i chose this and by chosing recovery i chose to believe in myself. I'm not perfect, and now i know that's okay. If fact, if someone was perfect i would probably hate that person, so why would i be like that? I think the eating disorder is just a side effect of the real problem. We are all avoiding something and until we decide to face our worst nightmares, the ed will always be there to help us hide from it. I dONt want to be that little girl anymore. I'm 22 and i can fight this. I can do whatever the hell i want and there's not an ed in the whole world that could stop me. I chose Freedom and i am chosing it every single day since September.
Sorry for the novel hehehe xox