Oh my, my story is long but I will keep it short!
As far back as I can remember, I have been eating disordered. As a small kid my grandma taught me to not eat food that had a lot of calories and as far as I can remember she told me I needed to loose some weight an be careful. I am still dealing with these emotions and doing the best I can to forgive her. I know she did the best she could out of the best intention she could.
But none the less this really distorted my connection with my body and internal hunger cues. As far as I can remember I was always jealous at the "slim" girls and always felt like I could never eat what I wanted. So the healing I am doing now, is really healing of a lifetime because this has always been part of my life. I never really questioned it or thought it was not normal until I came across the book intuitive eating and got a boyfriend who is a real intuitive eater.
Well, to make it short as mentioned I was always eating disordered, developed anorexia, became inpatient, but they never helped me recover so I was only semi recovered, then developed orthorexia, then went through starvation and binge cycles, the becoming severely depressed and suicidal and thought something was severely wrong with me until I actually start reading here and on other sites that bingeing is just the extreme hunger etc. And everything just makes sense now, I always thought I was alone with what I was going through, to see that it is normal has been a great eye opener for me.
I am now 23 years old (in 4 days weehee!) and it has taken me probably around 15 years to finally start to recover. Because I never really knew how to recover before. I am so grateful for this site and all the others who work on providing real info!
The past couple of years I have been eating 801010, which was great, but I understand know the choice was made from the ED. Therefore I am now eating anything I really crave, which is terrifying and liberating at the same time.
Currently I am at a "normal" weight. It scares me a bit to eat so much (I really experience extreme hunger), but reading on the website calms me down and I am not going to give up in the middle of it! I am so in it for the win and I am willing to face any fears and anxieties I need to, to become free! My dream is to become a full intuitive eater, just eating exactly what I feel like and when, not being obsessed with food, but being full of energy to enjoy life and my passions (which is dancing, yoga, travelling and helping the world! I am a self published author working on currently several book projects and I am also a coach. My passion in life is to show people that everything is possible and that every dream we have is here to come true! And I really feel like letting go of the last bits of ED is what set me free to fully focus on this! Oh well, long site note ). I always looked at other people who seemed to be so calm and relaxed about food and just eat when they felt like it without worrying a tiny bit. And now I understand we all have this available, it is our nature!
I am writing this on a day where I am extra challenged and I see that my greatest fear is truly my family. I feel like the little girl that is terrified of being fat and eating to much and I constantly see the image of my grandma telling me that. I am scared that the real me might be chubby or fat and that I will not be good enough for them. That is why it seemed so safe to have ED because then at least I could be skinny and not a failure in their eyes. Now when I am writing this, it still nags me a bit and still has a hold of me, but I am not turning back. The last couple of years have been very intense healing for me and I have had a lot of flashes of memories, that I still have and it is like I understand so much more why I became eating disordered. And I feel this is the final bit healing, so I can be free to be me! it is terrifying because I am letting go of patterns and beliefs that has controlled my whole life and the mind tends to be scared of the unknown. So I am happy I found this forum to get and give support <3
Oh well, may the complete freedom of my life begin!