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My story

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1My story Empty My story on Sun Nov 09, 2014 6:28 pm

Recently I've been thinking a lot about sharing my story, as for the first time I realize the entire scope of my illness. Two months ago I didn't even realize that I had a problem, at least not an eating disorder and I did certainly not think that I needed any treatment. That's why it's so important for me to share, as I think this is the case for many.

As a child and adolescent I was bullied a lot and throughout my life this has affected me a lot. Still, up to a few years ago, I thought that I was past this period of my life, but I realize more and more that deep marks has been left in me because of this. I've always had a hard time making friends, not necessarily because I'm not likeable but because I've had a hard time realizing that people can actually like me. This caused me to get more and more depressed and at the age of 19 I had gained quite a few extra kilos due to comfort eating. During christmas 2009 I suddenly realized how much I had put on (which actually wasn't that much), which caused me to freak out. I started walking alot, eating less and working out at the gym. And of course my weight dropped alot. And for a very short time, I was happy with how I looked, but this weight loss clearly triggered me more than I realized and during the next four years I started banishing more and more from my diet. First, the alcohol had to go, which meant no more parties, causing me to be less social, feeling isolated from everyone. I could eat less and less candy before my guilt took over and every social happening involving food became less and less enjoyable. I could not stop thinking that people was judging me by how much I ate. I also had periods were I experimented with different diets (gluten free, lactose free, FODMAP, moderate low carb etc.) which never really made me healthier, but instead gave me an unhealthy over-focus on food. Vacations was the worst, ruining my exercising and eating schedules, causing me to have longer and longer periods of time afterwards where I would restict. Before the summer of 2014, this trend had started to freak me out, causing me to want to take control before the holidays (*facepalm...*).

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2My story Empty Re: My story on Sun Nov 09, 2014 6:30 pm

So I started calorie counting in June, which led me into a downward spiral of eating less and less. This spiral was quite steep and after half a year, I hit a point where I could not go on any more. I had reached a really low BMI, which I knew was way to little, and I could not function in daily life as I barely could walk. But despite all of this, I didn't believe that I was truly ill yet and the fact that I still thought I had my period (actually I had more intermediate bleedings than before, see forum post in "Physical") was one of the reasons for me believing that. And I still ate. Just not enough. It's a myth that anorexics don't eat, but a deficiency of energy will harm your body, even if it's 300 too few calories or 2000. I felt could not go on like I did. My skin felt dry, I could not hold any water, I had no libido or even energy (these are all signs of having no hormone production, actually causing me to go through a kind of menopause). And I only wanted to sleep.

So I searched for help. My doctor had me see a therapist, but even though I asked them both, they were not able to help me with a food plan. I felt stuck and tried to explain to them that I needed someone to check up on me every week, giving me no excuse for not following an eating plan. They told me to find a nutrisionist on my own, but those I found were not educated enough or was too expensive. So there I was, feeling that I was standing on the highest mountain I could find, screaming from the top of my lungs, "HELP ME NOW!". And they just said no.

Last edited by susannsk89 on Mon Nov 10, 2014 8:46 am; edited 2 times in total

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3My story Empty Re: My story on Sun Nov 09, 2014 6:31 pm

This made me angry because when a person is in need for help in such a situation, a quiet whisper should be enough. I think this was the turning point for me, to get angry. Angry at the disease and angry at the people who didn't want to help. Being angry is not necessarily a bad feeling, because it can make you feel strong and powerful. So I didn't stop trying, and after several phone calls, I finally heard in the other end: "I soooo glad you called us! We are going to do everything in our power to get you the help you need." I broke down in tears then and there, sitting next to a bunch of strangers on the bus back home. They helped me find a doctor who could understand my situation and together we made a plan of getting me to eat, including weekly blind weighings (me going on the scale backwards) and checking my electrolytes two time a week for the first two weeks. Luckily, the weekend before seeing this doctor, I discovered MinnieMaud, so this eating and weighing plan was based on this method. And since I had the doctors approval for following the MinnieMaud method, I felt quite confident that I was doing the right thing. The hardest thing was chosing when to start, because after that it was surprisingly simple to just eat.

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4My story Empty Re: My story on Sun Nov 09, 2014 6:31 pm

So here I am, soon finishing my 8th week of recovery, eating 2500+ every day, and feeling greater than ever. I've had water retention, which has passed, been going through what could be compared to puberty (regaining my hormone production, making me aggressive and touchy, giving me a stronger libido (!), a more stable period etc.) and extreme hunger. I've had good days and bad days, but the good are without doubt outnumbering the bad!

I've come so far in just a short amount of time, which gives me hope for everyone of you out there which are struggling. It seems so hard right now and you don't know where to begin, but it is so much easier than you think it is! Choose real recovery, because life can be so much better than you can ever imagine <3

I wish you all the best <3

Amalie: you may move this to the "experiences, recovery stories etc." if you wan't. Realized that it might fit better there just after posting. And sorry for it being so long, but I needed that many characters to be able to give the whole picture.

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